Now and again, I dream about stressful work scenarios. I’m starting a new job, and when a colleague asks me to perform a task, I don’t dare to say that I’ve forgotten the procedure. A sensation of shame, of gross incompetence, of worthlessness, rushes through my veins, intensifying until my heart is boiling, about to explode.
I still experience these feelings of helplessness. Once, in a fabric shop, the saleswoman couldn’t fathom that I didn’t understand her explanations; she carried on so much that I began to cry.
My whole life, I stayed away from positions involving a large component of responsibility. As I like to say, my responsibility is to do my job well, and my ambition, to lead a balanced life.
To a certain extent, though, these carefully crafted words are designed to help me mourn a loss, the loss of a career that would better correspond to the expertise I gained in school. Because, despite holding a bachelor’s degree, I’m more comfortable working as a store clerk for minimum wage. Being overqualified reassures me.
Ever since a psychiatrist diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I have felt less guilty about how I function. I aim to manage rather than transform myself, to “accept the things I cannot change.”
I believe I’m exercising good judgment by doing so. Especially as I choose to work for firms that are mostly in line with my tastes and values. I go out of my way to perform well, which my colleagues appreciate. I come across as cheerful, energetic, and dedicated.
Nevertheless, I regularly put up with periods of anxiety—at times debilitating—and then the effort required to go to work blows out of proportion, and I turn to role-playing tricky situations with my husband, crying in the employee bathroom, or taking a tranquilizer. When it gets to this point, I end up resigning, sometimes overnight, that is, without giving notice.
Feeling pathetic, pitiful, and the lowest of the low: a malware I have not been able to remove.
photo © https://unsplash.com/fr/photos/KVby0S0GaH4?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditShareLink