To be honest, I
thought the mother in Mommie Dearest was worse than mine. But on reflection,
the odds are that the worst was tempered by our father.
Although he sometimes acted like a third child—someone who needed protection and had extremely limited control over the situation—he still shielded us from … well, I don’t know, what did he shield us from?
He spent twelve hours a day in his practice, which wasn’t financially necessary. As for my mother, she stopped working after a handful of attempts ended in violent conflicts. As a ritual, she and my father would then hire a lawyer and issue letters to intimidate her ex-colleagues.
When our father came home, around eight o’clock, he heated up frozen meals or opened canned food. To make sure our schoolwork was done, he had taught my brother and me to recite our lessons to each other. From time to time, on Sundays, we would go for a walk in the woods while my mother slept. The three of us took care of washing and hanging up the laundry, and grocery shopping. Two housekeepers came to clean the house and iron. As for my mother, she sorted the laundry, period.
Most crucially, my father stayed with us. He remained married to the woman who, when he shared a story, snapped, “Cut to the chase!” He could have divorced her and remarried, but he would have lost custody of us, being less skilled at manipulation than her. No, absolutely, he did a lot for us. Sure, he had his verbal tics, “Let sleeping dogs lie” and “Don’t add fuel to the fire.” Yet I remember something else. Away from prying ears, he occasionally said, “You’re a winner.”
For a long time, I assumed that my mother must suffer deeply from not seeing my brother and me, since we are no longer in contact. When I imagined her feelings, my head spun. I thought, Poor thing, how horrible! She hasn’t seen her two children in years. Years! Her two children! Why didn’t she call or write, if only to pretend to apologize? What I came to believe is that she doesn’t feel that kind of emotion.
To justify the situation, she claims that we’re in a cult. Undeniably, it’s brilliant.
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