Yes, but... since I’ve always done what was in my power to keep my head above water, I’m going to pursue this a little further nonetheless. In case there is a way to forgive in spite of it all. I’d do it for me, of course. For ME.
Here’s the sum total of my research on forgiveness, from dictionaries to movies to conversations with a pastor.
WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT
It is not necessarily contacting the person, spending time with them again, or turning the other cheek
It is not forgetting what has been done
It is not the end of having a heavy heart when a painful memory comes to mind
It is not saying that what happened wasn’t so bad, or doesn’t matter anymore.
WHAT IT IS
It’s wiping the slate clean
Renouncing revenge
Giving up on punishment.
WIPING THE SLATE CLEAN
In a Woody Allen film named Crimes and Misdemeanors, a nonagenarian philosopher explains that whether or not there is a judgment, we personify the sum of our choices. At the end of the day, the whole of our choices represent who we are. Okay now, to what extent are we in control of those choices, since they are influenced by other factors as well? However, it’s true: we do choose to some degree.
Through Professor Louis Levy’s words, I understand one thing. My mother comprises her actions. They are inside her, they are an integral part of her. That they are not visible, that she and the world negate them, doesn’t mean they didn’t occur.
There you go, there you have it, my step one: admitting [acknowledging as TRUE] that the facts took place. After being denied, disputed, argued against, guilted, rejected, nailed in a coffin of “you should” for so many years, I am offering this gift to me. I will no longer try to convince; I will no longer try to convince MYSELF.
There. I’ve said my piece.
DITCHING RESENTMENT
A line in Alex Kendrick’s War Room resonates with me: “Only God is judge.”
Oh, shoot, she’s getting religious. So much for the self-made warrior.
Whether it’s God or the Universe or one big luminous mass, quantum mechanics–style, I have come to trust that the world functions a certain way, and that there is a win some, lose some principle. I’m not claiming that a child who nibbles on soap in a landfill will end up winning the lottery, but perhaps they’ll develop invaluable friendships with fellow unfortunate souls. And no, it doesn’t eliminate dysentery, hunger, etc.
Along the same lines, I consider myself to have been graced with several signs from loved ones who have passed away. As a result, I believe that we join a benevolent magma in the afterlife. I will therefore paraphrase “Only God is judge” as “The light is the only judge.”
1. “The light is the only judge.” What a relief: the judgment of my mother doesn’t rest on my shoulders. I can let go of that burden. Good, because I had vaguely thought about taking her to court, but she would manipulate the proceedings to make herself out as the victim. I’d have to hire the best lawyers, play Russian roulette with the jurors’ biases, etc. It would require tons of time, money, and mental space. But that’s not my job.
2. “The light is the only judge.” X or Y isn’t the arbiter; the Universe is. It is up to the task. Evaluating a living being over the course of their entire life is a big responsibility. There are things we don’t know. It’s more the luminous magma’s department. It has all the information. Is there a defect in the brain of the person who gave birth to me? An irreparable emotional scar? Or maybe aliens implanted the prototype of a secret weapon?
3. “The light is the only judge.” A judgment will be made. Even if the punishment is just a flash of lucidity that comes with her last breath—Oh no, I’m going to have a hard time of it if there’s an afterlife. I can choose to believe that she will not be completely let off the hook.
Amen.
Thus I, and no one else, decide to put an end to the matter.
But she’s never had to pay!
So be it. It’s over.
But people still think she’s terrific!
You know what? All the better. It’s none of my business. That’s their relationship; I don’t have one with her or them. Why should I trouble myself with her devotees? There are quite enough awesome beings to meet in this world.
And with these simple words, “I forgive,” I feel I am cutting the ballast, letting go of something heavy.
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